Jul 31, 2011

Many moons ago.......

It was many moons ago..... when I thought, I could sing.
Now I think I can only enjoy music, and that singing is gone and forgotten.
If anybody asked me these days, "Do you sing?" , I'd tell them......... "I used to."
There was a time when everyone would , not even ask but just state, that “I will need someone musically inclined ( read singer, musician)to live with”
Fortunately or unfortunately nobody bothers now ….. all what bothers them now, is that Im aging and not getting married.

I had always thought of music as my religion, my spiritual journey, where I could unfold myself , seek answers to my questions. The journey which would fulfill my passion and purpose of living.
And my faith in that journey lied in those very few moments, when my dad would smile blissfully everytime I sang to him, when my mom would play the recordings of my radio shows in the kitchen all day long, when my teacher's eyes welled up as I sang my favourite Ashtapadi to her.

And gradually crept in those moments too when I lost faith in that very journey.
The same path which estranged me instead of liberating.
Those moments of arrant incertitude and shock as I witnessed the very people I worshipped fall into the mad and filthy race of the 'so-called divine art called music. '
I was torn. And thats one wound which has left a very bad scar.

And it was not many years ago that I realised I have lost touch with singing.
I would cry when my voice cracked up, everytime a note came out wrong. Or when I couldnt recall what raaga a particular kriti was composed in.
I had become an alien at my own forte.
I couldnt breathe in my own world?.
I didnt know where I belonged to anymore.

There have been days when I'd decided to go back and search for my lost self , and one such morning I found that I have lost my book of kritis. My heart sank. And in that assailable moment it could only indicate that 'Music was dead and buried..... once and for all.... for good.'

I knew it was going to be that rotten noxious feeling which I would have to carry all my life.
I tried to live with that harsh truth that I wouldnt be able to sing like before ever again.

But now there is a reason why I am even able to write about this.
Because I sang yesterday.............
It still felt terrible. Dreadful.
I poured down mugs and mugs of water on my face to escape from tasting the bitter saltiness of my tears.

After an hour as I came out of the loo, I saw my land lady standing outside. She said, she had been standing there for quite sometime, and asked me If I were trained in music.
I looked at her rather sadly as I hung my towel on the cloth-line, gasped and said “for fourteen frickin' years!!!”

I came inside still wet and shivering, and sat down on my bed to watch my thoughts. And it suddenly struck me that I just sang past that huge block.
It took me a while to believe it was real.And I was pretty convinced then, that I would be able to do it again. I somehow felt like a floating swan, feeling light.
My thoughts flew to that dear friend who told me the other day “Birds cant fly; if you cant sing”.

And all I could do was …...........Smile! :)

P.S : Thankyou. And I cant wait to delete that one sad line in my bio.Its my fervid conviction.

Jul 23, 2011


One and a half years...... and I was there and back again!
The place which changed me and grew me
The place that tortured  and loved me at the same time
The place that gave me wings and kept me rooted......
I held my breath in delectable exhilaration when the bus passed through the longest flyover in Shamshabad. I could see the whole city from up there. I even thought I caught a glimpse of the fort of Golconda.

Not much had changed.  No lush carpet of greenery or overbearing trees.
Its all the very old rock boulders and skyscrapers. 

Mushroom Rock at the University Campus
Except  most of the  glass edifices had safety nets on it, which pretty much reminded and explained everything about the agitation in the city. Days are close when one would have to say “ I studied at the University of Telangana”
Otherwise everything else was just the same.
The  loathsome chlorinated hard-water said 'welcome home'. And the bumpy share autos took me around that home.
Naam , Namak Aur Nishaan  written at the gates to Sainikpuri... ..never had noticed that before, perhaps new.

Calvin Nambiar on a sunday afternoon

My niece has grown taller. But shes still the giggling bundle of cuteness, who likes to try on my Kajal stick and Livon Hair potion.

Theres a new addition to the Nambiar family – Goofy Nambiar. Calvin and Winnie Nambiar  likes the new company Im sure. It was nice meeting you all.

Radhettan, at the shopcom, who still dint even ask for the order, and with his infectious smile gave us our share of gopi bonda and chai.
An old pic outside Radhettan's shop 
It felt good to be back,character-gazing with my Sattwick friend. There were all sorts.

Met some old faces, and spotted the psuedos, the survivors, the intellectuals, the industrious, the love birds, the leaders........

Miss perfect melancholy has become prettier. Her room still smells of microbe-repellants  and Tao physics . That was the best Qubaani ka Meetha I had with her over a lot of catching up. 
I jumped with joy at the sight of my old ladybird cycle. She is still pink in health and is not missing me much.

The Birthday Circle
Was walking again through the Birthday circle with Mr Jobless and Frivolous Maturity
And we were back to being students again, and got drenched in the nostalgic mizzle.

Crept into the children's park and stole a ride on the swings.
Laughed at each other's jokes, caught up on each other's life.

And sighed with so much relief and gratitude that our good old friends have not changed much.
And worshiped and thanked life again for being so impeccably beautiful.

The morning I reached Bangalore, as I was getting to work, I told the auto-driver “ ikkada  left theeskondi”( Take a left here, please In Telugu).  Telugu??? I forgot  whatever Broken Kannada I knew in  just a weekend??
And that moment laughed at me and said out loud “ Aappandi!!!” ( STOoooooP) .
'Stop for a while and take this in !'

Jul 8, 2011

I got tagged !!

I didn't know what tagging in the blog-sphere was, until this cute dynamite tagged me.
So here it goes........
  1. Without sharing your name, who are you?
Quite an ordinary girl with some extraordinary dreams.
Born in Dubai,Grew in Kerala,
Got hardened in Hyderabad, and softened back in Bangalore.
Learned from everywhere, and squandered it all over.
A quirky nut case ( atleast I would like to believe so) ,
A Patronus charm ( atleast some say so)
Hates being compelled or confined.
Loves being pampered and petted.
By training a dumb noetic, by practice a daring dreamer
and by experience a deadly doofus.
( du-uh!!..... so? I love alliterations)
  1. Describe yourself in less than five words.
Refer to about me!
  1. Do you have any special talents? What?
I think I have too many to chose from.
But lately I discovered I have a special talent to motivate people. (One friend thinks Im an incurable optimist .Not called a Patronus charm for nothing , you see? Another wants me to be his therapist, and yet another is seriously considering me for a full time job of a motivator, at the agency he works.)
  1. Are there any talents you wish you had? What?
Yup, I wish I could do astral travel . Or even Transfiguration
  1. What are your most important interests? What do you like about them?
Music - feeds my soul
Books - my best companion
Travel - everytime I travel , I read another page of the from the book called ' world' and its astonishing.
Food - lets quote a friend here and say “palatal orgasm”
Flowers Beauty , that spreads fragrance and happiness to everyone around
Babies - frolicking cheerful babies make my day
All the above are equally capable of transforming me into a different being
  1. What is your opinion of Lady Gaga?
A twisted genius.
  1. If you could go anywhere right this second, where would you go?
Jammu, I miss my friend Shringeri ( Shingi, I wanna visit Vaishno devi, celebrate Lohri, learn Dogri and see all of Jammu with you)
  1. What are your favorite foods for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?
Favourite is the question :
I would love some Warm waffles with maple syrup or Banana pancakes or sweet porridge with honey or toast and sausages for Breakfast ( Told ya I was a dreamer!!! I try and manage with some wheat flakes and warm milk  for now)

For lunch: I wouldnt mind some honey fried potatoes, methi malai matar and dal palak with roti/ rice .
( But I get decent mini meals at poornima restaurant … not too bad actually. )

For dinner: Tossed Salad with french dressing, schnitzel steak with mushroom sauce, and mashed potatoes. 
( Otherwise I cook every night with the limited facilities I have in my PG and try and admire the food Im eating)
  1. Do you have siblings? Talk about them; if not, talk about being an only child.
I have an elder sister, whose physical, spiritual, mental and cultural attributes are exactly opposite to that of mine.
She's a Phd scholar( quite proud of her that way) and lives in Baroda, married to a really sweet scientist who is doing his post doctoral research in Japan. 
She is a lot more on the fuller side with a long nose and long hair. More rooted in her culture, and has less troubles with her conscience.
  1. Do you like sports? What teams do you support?
Not really. I enjoy figure skating and rhythmic gymnastics more than any other sport. And if I had to choose I would have chosen tennis ( I loved Pete Sampras, now I adore Roger Federer)
But maybe just for this friend's sake, I would say I like Football and I root for Liverpool. :P
  1. Do you have any tattoos? If not, would you ever get one?
No I dont .  I have more than enough black moles to make up for it :P
  1. Have you ever donated blood? Why or why not?
No. Im not even sure what my blood group is. ( being born to a lab technician, thats quite a shame!!)
  1. How do you like your coffee and/or tea?
Tea: Black, with clove, ginger, Tulsi leaves crushed and a drop of lemon in it and of course heaps of sugar.
Coffee: Strong decoction , with cream and sugar.
  1. Are you left- or right-handed?
Right-handed , but I wanna be ambidextrous :)
  1. If you’re in college, what are you studying? If not, what did/what are you planning to study?
Out of college Studied mass communication with Spaceman Spiff here who tagged me.
But I would like to study Natural History film making at Salford University/ Otago Univeristy some day soon. ( wasnt too bad at science communication and video production when I was at the university)
  1. What are some of your short-term goals?
I have a list of 12 books, which I aim to finish reading by this year end.
Buy a camera . Cant afford to miss any more moments.
Hit 52 kg, which I think should be my ideal weight :P
  1. What kind of music do you like?
Sufi gives me access to heavens .Ghazals make falling in love irresistible.
Country and folk fills me with joy
Classical transcends me into a different world, fascinating yet intimidating
I very much enjoy Bollywood, Pop, Lounge, Soft rock, and sometimes metal and psychedellic trance too.
  1. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
Any place where I can built my dream home. Preferably some place where I can get a view of the mountains from my bedroom balcony and watch the brook flowing from the kitchen. I can only think of Ireland now. More about which you can find here.
  1. Have you ever been overseas? Where and when?
Was born overseas. Dubai, U A E. Lived in Karama till I was 10 yrs old.
  1. Have you ever been to the circus? What did you think at the time?
Yes. I was quite tiny then. But I thought the animals were really stinky. And the clown was lame.
But I was terrified by the magician and the trapeze artists.
  1. Are you wearing shoes right now? If so, describe them. If not, describe your socks/feet.
None of the above. I am wearing Grey leg warmers.
  1. List some things you’d like to do before you die.
  • Carry a Koala on my hip and feed it with my hands.
  • Kiss a Dolphin
  • Ride a Bullock Cart
  • Drink Bamboo beer at Siliguri
  • Visit the Tiger temple in Tibet
  • Wish upon a comet
  • Learn to play the Kora
This list never ends.........
  1. What do you prefer to write with; pencil, pen, crayon, Sharpie, lipstick, chalk, etc?
Pencil anytime.!!
But lately I have also been wanting to write with an ink pen . I miss those Hero pens I had used in my junior classes to write copy. The whole idea of filling ink in the pen from the round bottle, makes me wanna grab a fresh parchment and scribble down …....” How do I love thee...............
  1. Do you like movies? What are your favorites?
Im a movie buff.
From world cinema to animation , I like all kinds for different reasons.
For a very outdated and short list of movies, you can view my profile.
  1. Do you like chocolate? What’s your favorite kind? If not, WHY.
I get high on the cakes which you get to dip in the chocolate fountain.
Apart from that. Twix ( reminds me of my Dad), Quality street ( good old DUBAI days)
Snickers ( breaks with Arun at Iridium, Hyderabad). Bounty ( me and my sis used to fight over it)
But if I would like to be a choclate , I would be Ferrerro Rocher. Soft and silky delicious in the inside and crisp and nutty on the outside. :)
I hope I did well on my first tag. 

Jul 4, 2011

They just left it unsaid...........

They were different. Different from others and different from each other. 

He was industrious, orderly, strict, respected…........err predictable?. But she could see right through him.
She knew when he was timid, shy, and confused. She alone saw the caterpillar in him waiting to transfigure into a butterfly and fly away. And her very presence gave him wings. It was as if he chose to shed his pride and all the airs he carried, only in front of her.
She was everything he was not. She was warm, wild, fun, free, knew how to laugh, and never planned anything beyond a day.
I like to live my life messy, that way I'd atleast know Im living” she had said once to him, when he was busy taunting her for being impulsive.

That day he could hardly take his eyes off her.
He watched her chasing the flying ducks with no cares about how muddy her trench coat  got; how she turned back and smiled at every little child she met on her way,and how that any kind of flower that grew on the pavement brought sparkles into her eyes. He watched as her wavy hair bumped and bounced back and forth, and for a moment he wished to be that breeze which played with her soft and delightful strands of hair.
He wanted to wipe off the cream from her lips, as she sucked on her ice candy
He wanted to smell her neck as she drifted away at the sight of a rainbow.

Here's a woman”, he thought “ hazardously addictive!!”

They were always together; not a day has passed by without them meeting.
He would wait every morning at the creek side and walk her to their favorite cafe for breakfast.
She would laugh. And would make him laugh too. Laugh truly.
Your smile doesn't reach your eyes mate, whats your problem in life”, those were the very first words she spoke to him when they met for the first time.
He had beautiful, soft eyes. It always glinted even behind his round glasses. And a lot of people had told him before that the first thing they ever noticed about him was his eyes.
But this was the first time someone told him , that his eyes couldn't smile.
And since then, his eyes never failed to smile.

One would expect them to be in love. Expect them to be a couple. And no one can blame can anyone for thinking that way.
For they were always together, giving each other their time and company, sharing not just breakfast but their lives, completing one another........
We dont even hold hands, we are not lovers, dearie”, he heard her telling her best friend as they scuttled out of the library.
But you held my hand through everything” he thought, as he buried himself inside his computer, and opened a new tab.

Today, they were at the same creek, watching the river flow by, and a family of ducks swimming in line.
They've done this quite a few times. They would just sit there silently. Enjoying the silence-- ---and that was the best conversation they used to have.

She had stretched back and raised herself up on her elbows, crossed legs and cradled her feet in rhythm. He sat a few steps away from her, tensed and pulled grass from every corner his fingers could stretch up to.
Are you okay? Why are you angry at the grass?” she noticed like always.
He gasped and broke into a  laugh, bit his lips and then managed to say it . “ I am getting engaged.”.
Her cradling feet lost its rhythm, all of a sudden. It slowed down and eventually stopped.. She sat up and looked down for a while. She pulled a few blades of grass herself.
There was a silence. A long, loud silence. The one silence they both didn't enjoy.
And then she finally turned to him with the widest smile ever and said, “Wow, Congratulations!”

He turned to look at her , leaned forward to place his hand on hers and said “ Don't smile so much, those tears in your eyes might just spill over”
She laughed at this so hard, that it tumbled down endlessly. It was like her eyes had given up on fighting them back, like they couldn't hold them anymore.

They knew it then. They knew for sure. But they never said it. And now they never will......